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What is Separation anxiety and why does it happen?
Separation anxiety is a common and normal phase of development that all babies go through. It typically occurs when babies gain object permanence, which means they understand that objects and people continue to exist even when they are out of sight. The severity of separation anxiety can vary depending on the child's temperament.
During this stage, babies often exhibit increased attachment to their primary caregivers and may become upset when they are separated. It's important to remember that separation anxiety is a sign of healthy attachment and cognitive development. Although it can be challenging to deal with tearful goodbyes, there are strategies to help ease the transition and make farewells easier for both you and your baby.
When to start seeing signs
Separation anxiety typically emerges around 8-10 months, which is one of the factors contributing to the 8-10 month regression. It peaks again around 18 months, known as the 18 month regression. However, it's important to note that separation anxiety can occur earlier than 8 months and signs of it may also manifest during other regression periods, such as the 12 month regression and 24 month regression. The most common signs of separation anxiety include crying and clinginess when you need to leave their presence.
➞ For example You dash out to the shops and leave your baby with their grandmother, but they have an attachment towards you. When you leave, they know you still exist and they know that you’ve left. This will upset them, resulting in crying.
What are the signs
◦ Extra clinginess
◦ Strong preference for one caregiver
◦ Shyness
◦ Wanting additional attention
◦ Increased amounts of crying
◦ Bedtime battles
My top tips on how to help
Don't sneak away
While it may be tempting to try to avoid tears and leave without your baby noticing, this can actually increase their anxiety and make separations more difficult in the long run. When saying goodbye to your baby, it is recommended to let them see you leave. This helps them understand that you are leaving but will also return. Sneaking away can lead to feelings of confusion and mistrust, making future separations more challenging. This is a common mistake many parents make, they wait for the moment their child looks away or the person remaining with the child distracts them and they make a run for it as quietly and quickly as possible.
Keep goodbyes brief
It's expected for them to cry when you leave, and it’s okay for them to feel this way. It's important to acknowledge their emotions. However, dwelling on their distress or prolonging the goodbye process may indeed make it more challenging for both you and your baby.
Instead, it can be helpful to maintain a positive and upbeat demeanour when saying goodbye. Show confidence and reassurance that you will return. By demonstrating a sense of calm and positivity, you can help your baby feel more secure and confident during the separation. It's important to find a balance between acknowledging your baby's emotions and providing them with reassurance. You can offer a quick, loving goodbye and then confidently leave.
Have a predictable routine
Bedtime routine
This one will help with separation and night sleep. A bedtime routine will really help your baby feel secure and in control.
➞ For example You would start by giving your baby a bath or wiping them down with a washcloth. After the bath, you would take them to their sleep environment and put on their nappy and pajamas. Next, you would give them a feed, followed by putting on their sleeping bag. Finally, you could read a story or sing a lullaby before laying them down to sleep.
Goodbye routine
Keep it short and sweet. Try to do the same thing every time you need to leave them. Always leave with a goodbye and kiss, as this will help prepare your baby that you are leaving. Other fun ways to do a goodbye routine are: ◦ Sing a little song together
◦ Create a simple but fun secret handshake
◦ Recite a little goodbye rhyme together
Play peek-a-boo
Finding fun and creative ways to reinforce the concept that you always come back when you leave can help build trust and ease separation anxiety for your baby. Incorporating a simple game can make the process more enjoyable and comforting for both you and your little one. This is a fun way to show your baby that when you leave, you always come back.
Practice being apart
Leaving your baby with someone you trust for a few minutes and then returning with a big hello can help reinforce the idea that separations are temporary and that you always come back. This can build trust and confidence in your baby's understanding of separations.
Another idea is hiding a toy and then reuniting your baby with it is also a playful and engaging way to demonstrate that things can temporarily disappear but can be found again. This can help normalize the experience of things going out of sight and coming back, which can be comforting for your baby.
Reassure them of your return
When it comes to toddlers who are around 2 years or older, their ability to understand and communicate is more developed, and verbal reassurances can have a significant impact on building trust and confidence during separations.
Taking the time to communicate with your toddler before you leave and letting them know when you will be back can help alleviate their anxiety and create a sense of security. For example, telling them, "I will be back after your nap" or "I'll be back after you finish playing with Grandma" can provide reassurance and help them understand the temporary nature of the separation.
Additionally, it can be helpful to use simple and age-appropriate explanations to help your toddler understand why you need to leave. For example, if you have an errand to run, you can say, "I need to go to the store to buy groceries, and I'll be back soon." This helps them understand the purpose of your absence and that it is a normal part of daily life.
Introduce a comforter
While it can't replace your physical presence, a comforter can serve as a source of familiarity and security for your child. Introducing the comforter during sleep times, such as when putting your child down for naps or bedtime, allows them to associate it with a sense of security and comfort during their alone time
It's important to follow safety guidelines when introducing a comforter. Generally, it is recommended to introduce a comforter from around 12 months of age, when the risk of suffocation decreases. Before 12 months, it's advised to only allow the comforter during awake times and under supervision.
Do you need help?
I have the tools and resources to help you. I have guides and optional plans that can give you that one-on-one support you need to help achieve 10-12 hour nights, solid naps and put an end to all or most sleep struggles.
Written by Alexandra Selekos
I'm the founder of Babee Dreams, a certified sleep consultant and a mum of three. My approach is based on studies, training through The Sleep Consulting Academy, successful outcomes experienced by those who have used my methods and the instincts of a mother. My approach will help your baby achieve their best sleep, whilst always feeling reassured, loved and never neglected.